Inside our sex Lives

The joy of gay sex

THE JOY OF GAY SEX monogamous

Whether you’re in a monogamous relationship, a threesome, a sauna, a sex club, or with your pants around your ankles behind a tree, a healthy sex life means a happy face – and I’m not talking a smiling emoji here. We all have desires and needs that for the most part, once fulfilled, should leave us feeling satisfied. 

It’s difficult to find our sexual ‘niche’. Where do we fit in? Will we be judged? Is there a sense of shame or guilt attached to sleeping around? So what if the only way you can get off is by wearing a ball gag and being dominated by your ‘master’ or even by staying up all night in a chemically induced state of arousal? Is falling in love and remaining monogamous for the rest of your life your idea of gay heaven, or is it your idea of being chained to the gates of hell? 

We have more opportunities than ever to have the kind of sex that makes us happy and our sexual tastes and appetites are just as varied as they are in music, food or clothing. Just because a guy might want to spend every Saturday night naked and wandering around a sex club, it doesn’t make him any less valid a part of our community than someone who spends their weekends dreaming they will meet their ‘Mr Right’ or maybe even their ‘Mr Right Now’, if they spend their time on apps like Grindr or Scruff. 

A healthy sex life takes many forms and is expressed in many ways. We are bombarded with messages about the rise of HIV infections, the dangers of ‘chemsex’ and the risk of having multiple partners but for many men, this is a lifestyle choice and in reality, what does the term ‘a healthy sex life’ really mean? Does it mean always having safe sex? Does it require you to never take drugs for sex? Or does it mean doing exactly what you want and what makes you happy? 

For some people a healthy sex life means having sex on a Monday, Wednesday and Friday with their husband/boyfriend/civil partner whereas for others it may mean a sauna on Saturday, a Scruff date on Thursday and a sex club on Sunday. 

Our sexuality should not be suppressed, neither shouldwe be judged for it. However we express ourselves sexually should make us happy. Our sexual appetite is a huge part of what makes us a complete person and labelling someone who partakes in sex parties or barebacking as ‘irresponsible’ is the same as calling someone who wants to settle down and stay faithful to the same partner as ‘vanilla’. 

As gay men we have the most amazing opportunities to explore and experiment sexually. One of the greatest things about being gay is that we don’t have to conform. Our sex lives should be creative and enjoyable, it’s not all about five minutes of pumping away and then sleeping in the wet patch, unless, of course, that’s what gets you off and fulfils your every need. It’s about learning what you want, what turns you on (and off) and what puts a smile on your face. 

Think about the main things that drive you in life? It could be money? It could be your career, it could be love or it could be…sex?  To ignore your sexual needs and not express them is to deny yourself some of the most fun you’re ever going to have. You need to get out there and have fun. Experimentation means education, so if you have a fantasy, a fetish or something that you think is going to be a whole lot of fun then get out there and do it. You’ll never know if you like something until you’ve tried it once, and then once you’ve tried it four or five times, then you’ll realise that you love it or it’s time to try something else. 

Sex shouldn’t be shameful, it’s not something to be done with the lights off and involve a lot of awkward fumbling and groping (unless you’re in a darkroom somewhere). Sex should be celebrated and enjoyed, and if you are aware of what you want, of the choices you have and the education and awareness to express exactly what makes you happy, then you’re well on your way to having a ‘healthy’ sex life. 

Sex is the most fun you can have without your clothes on )except maybe an afternoon session at naked club SBN, so go out and get some, and make yourself happy.

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